Don’t worry…not drugs or alcohol.

Well, alcohol a little.

Not that I had a problem, just…

Nevermind.

I’m detoxing all the crap out of my body.

Literally.

Let me warn you now…some of my revelations are related to poop. Sorry people.

And I know that’s probably TMI.

But the way I look at it, I’m a science teacher and no topic is off limits and science pretty much explains everything.

So basically, since September I had eaten my way to an extra five pounds which was over the 10 I never should have gained anyway.

I did that by eating cheez-it’s, chips, donuts, candy and anything else of the white lard and/or sugar variety.

But it was more than that. I felt sluggish and tired. And anxious and foggy brained. Could it really be that the food you eat is toxic? Well, keep reading…

So when a friend said, “hey, you should sign up for my sister’s winter detox program with us”, I hesitated for only a moment before I decided that was just the kick in the butt I needed.

So for two weeks, I gave up:

• Caffeine
• Sugar
• Dairy
• Gluten
• Alcohol

I know…many of you are saying stop it right there. No caffeine, I’m out. It was the glass (or two or…) of wine after a long week that was really cause for pause for me. But I figured, it was two weeks. I could do anything for two weeks.

And I also added in many fruits and vegetables and whole foods.

And the shopping! That alone made it an adventure.

What the hell are miso, chia, turmeric, and cacao nibs?

Yeah, those were my first questions as I walked repeatedly up and down aisles that I’d never ventured down before.

You know, the “health food” aisle with all that organic mumbo jumbo. Where I could at any second run smack dab into some Birkenstock wearing vegan hippy.

Ha.

I’m totally kidding. I’m just making a joke. Not funny? Ok sorry.

My point is that this detox has reformed me.

No, not into wearing Birkenstocks.

I’ve been reformed into a new kind of shopper. The one who finally gets why they say to only shop in the perimeter of the stores.

And a new kind of eater.

I’ve learned a lot in two weeks. About my relationship with food. And also how it treats my body.

Below are my top revelations:

1. Poop. I’m really sorry to do this to you, but I’ll lead with this so that you may choose to forget I mentioned poop as you read on. I actually considered leaving you with this thought, but my family already thinks me crazy for mentioning poop in my blog. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Everybody does it. Why is it such a big stink?

Pun intended. And my point too! It DOESN’T stink when you eat clean. The science nerd in me finds this fascinating. Makes sense though…not putting processed, toxic food into your body. You know, the stuff that’s hard to digest and just sticks around in your body forever. And your poop really does say a lot about your health. More people should pay attention to it.

Food for thought anyway. Okay…I’ll move on.

2. The absence of caffeine didn’t really bother me. I thought I needed that cup of coffee every morning. Other than a caffeine withdrawal headache for two days, it wasn’t a big deal. I think I just need something to drink on my way to work and I simply substituted that for my green breakfast smoothie. There was also this really fun recipe for “golden milk” that required me to buy turmeric root and ginger root for the first time ever in my life. What a tasty bonus.

3. Lemon water elixir. Who knew that raw apple cider vinegar would become so addicting. It’s like it cleared my brain and made me feel energized after drinking it. Even when your son sits next to you one morning while you have your mug of morning elixir and says, “Ugh…it smells like feet”.

4. Sweet potatoes vs. yams. Okay…I didn’t know there was a difference. And when I asked one of my co-workers and fellow detoxers why her soup didn’t have any, she replied with, “It does, right here” as she pointed to a white colored chunk in her soup. I said, “Wait, mine are orange”. And then she explained the error of my ways.

The one on the left is a yam and the one on the right is a sweet potato. Blew my mind. So why do they call them sweet potato fries when they are really yam potato fries???

5. Coconut oil. Yum. I’ve never used this deliciousness. It’s makes everything taste a little tropical. Like I’m living in Hawaii. On a beach. Under the warmth of the sun. Ahhhh. I’m relaxed just thinking about it.

6. Dry brushing, tongue scraping, oil pulling. You say ‘what’? Yeah…I did too. I tried them all. Kind of cool…haven’t really made them a habit. If you are a habitual tongue scraper, oil puller or dry brusher, tell me how they’ve helped you.

7. Dishes and cooking. I’ve NEVER cooked or washed as many dishes in my life as I have in the last two weeks. Seriously though. I felt like I was either cutting vegetables and dumping them in a pot or washing every single dish in my cupboard. Repeatedly. Like over and over and over again. And I also had to buy new kitchen gadgets that I never had a use for before…a lemon juicer, a fine mesh strainer and a garlic press. That garlic press was so necessary because too big garlic chunks made for a numb tongue. Lesson learned.

8. Meal planning and snacks. It’s SO much easier to eat better when you plan. I know. Duh. But it’s amazing how you don’t grab for the chips when you have a plan for dinner and have to take the time to cook it.

9. Chia pudding. Probably my fave after the lemon water elixir. I went from someone who was like what the bleep is chia to a connoisseur of chia pudding and toppings. Okay maybe not a connoisseur, but I’m learning new stuff people.

10. Magnesium. Holy cow. This stuff helps with headaches. And sleeping. And digestion. I suggest you all take a magnesium supplement. I’m serious. Go to the store right now and buy some.

I’ve felt “cleaner” and lighter. I’ve had more energy and fewer cravings. My body feels like it’s just functioning better. So whatever toxins I had in my system, I’d like them to stay away. I shall continue this process, but I will also give myself the opportunity to enjoy that cup of coffee or glass of wine when I want. I mean, I’m not perfect…

Here’s the link to Greta Hill’s website. She knows her stuff and I trust her years of research and experience to guide me to this healthier being. She offers these cleanses seasonally and there is a ton of good information on the site.  The cleanse also came with an awesome Facebook support group. I appreciated her daily messages to keep me going. And the support of others sharing my experience (thanks Steph, Jody and Heidi for answering my barrage of lunch time questions).

Here’s to a healthier me! Now to convince my family to eat this stuff…